


Absalom, Absalom

by Roga



Category: Discworld - Pratchett, Hebrew Bible
Genre: Community: purimgifts, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-11
Updated: 2010-01-11
Packaged: 2017-10-06 04:38:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/49739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roga/pseuds/Roga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Well," Absalom observed, "this is humiliating."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Absalom, Absalom

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Daegaer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daegaer/gifts).



The last thing Absalom remembered was the look on the faces of the men who killed him.

It was not a particularly original last memory, granted, but at times like these, originality was hardly a concern for the mind, which was more preoccupied with thoughts like: Did I make it? (Oh.) Was that _really_ it? (Oh.) Who is that tall robed figure heading toward – …_oh_.

In the case of Absalom, this thought process was interrupted by a thought that would have been shouted in capital letters, if capital letters has existed in the script he'd been taught as a child, and it was: OH DEAR LORD MY HAIR.

Death observed quietly as the rebel son's ghost lamented his hair – "O my hair, my hair," he wept, "would I have died for thee my hair, my hair, O hair."

After what would have been a minute, if time had mattered at all in Death's realm – it didn't – Absalom's weeping subsided into a hiccup or two, and finally he asked: "So this is what became of me?"

Death nodded.

"Well," Absalom observed, "this is humiliating."

YES.

"You've seen many people – er, die?" Absalom asked, a little hopefully.

YES.

"I don't suppose you've seen more humiliating situations than this?"

Death considered it for a moment.

NO, he said sympathetically, as much as a voice you can feel making your spleen rumble better than you can hear with your ears can ever really sound sympathetic.

Absalom's face fell. "I thought as much."

As it happened, his face fell to the middlish parts of his body, which were, in more places than not, pierced through with spears.

"Clean through," Absalom noted. "Good technique. Joab taught them well." He went over to his body – floated, really – and gave it a closer inspection. "Was it Joab who gave the order, or the so-called king?"

I AM AFRAID I WAS NOT INCLUDED IN THE DECISION-MAKING PROCESS.

"My cousin or my father," Absalom said bitterly. "Doesn't make much of a difference, does it."

DOES IT?

Absalom swallowed. "Not to me. I haven't had a father for many years now."

Death made a neutral sound, like two rocks clicking together.

Two rocks did, actually, click together at that moment, kicked off the road by the mule who was trotting back toward the body of her former owner, which was swinging gently in the breeze. Absalom's face lit up when he saw her. "Pirda!"

Death watched curiously as the mule bumped her nose a few times against the body's limp legs. "The royal ass", Absalom said fondly, trying to stroke her neck and encountering no resistance (at all, which was why his hand passed entirely through.)

I HAD ALWAYS IMAGINED THAT WAS JUST A METAPHOR, Death said.

"No, the girl's real enough," said a new voice, coming from behind the tree. "And she's not the only girl Absalom ever _rode_ to death, is she?"

Absalom paled (or at least seemed to; post-mortem, it gets a little hard to tell.)

YOU CAME, Death said, a note of surprise in his voice.

"Royalty deserve to have me pay my respects, right? Besides," War said, circling Absalom's hanging body with interest, "I happened to be in the area."

THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY SAYING MUCH, CONSIDERING WHERE WE ARE, Death pointed out.

War smirked. "True. This one played the game beautifully, though." She ran her fingers through the body's tangled, bloody hair. Absalom's ghost looked sick. "And so _righteous_ about his cause," War continued. "I _love_ it."

At this, Absalom straightened. "My father was fit to be neither king nor father," he started heatedly. "He stood by and let my sister get _raped_ –"

"Oh yes, we know how deeply you care about the palace women," War said joyfully, her hair flaring like a halo of fire. "Rape is such a sensitive subject for you. Your father's misstresses on the palace roof – they were enjoying themselves, weren't they?" War chuckled. From the distance, they could begin to hear the shouts of the soldiers, returning to pick up the body. War tilted her head, either listening or thinking. "You really did play well. The House of David hasn't even become a House yet, and already an attempt to destroy it. And you were only the beginning; you should see what comes next," she whispered in Absalom's ear.

Absalom looked from Death to War with worry. "Er. What comes next?"

Death smiled*.

I DO.

The last thing Absalom actually _saw_ before he disappeared was his own face, which was not the reason he was killed at all.

*Yes, yes. Everyone knows.


End file.
